Comprehending Engineers-Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and so you can go to your lab and tinker all day long."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
(This one is especially true) To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might've designed the human body.
The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer."
Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings. Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a bathroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Relevant Observations
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?', inquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute, not wanting to appear deficient in his observation. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.'
Email Disaster
Here is a true story depicting the sometimes disastrous results of misdirected email.
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS. Sure is hot down here.
Dilbert's Laws of Work
1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
2. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
3. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
4. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
5. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
6. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
8. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
9. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
10. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
11. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
12. You are always doing something marginal when your boss drops by your desk.
13. People who go to conferences are the one's who shouldn't.
14. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that a person is carrying.
16. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
17. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
18. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
19. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Flash Gordon handle this?"
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
